a drifting thought

After quite literally, years, of dreaming of returning to Sri Lanka and somehow working from here, I have to my great surprise managed to make it happen. Slightly odd then, that instead of ecstatic emotional platitudes coming to mind as I sit down to write, my first thought is, why is my shoulder hurting so much? Face palm. As I slowly adjust to finally making it out from the UK, I wonder how much I could be sub-consciously holding or, releasing, tension through this area where I have historically felt pain and stress.

Away from my usual routine, snacks and mirrors, I have no idea how healthy and active I am being. Context is everything too, even though on paper, there are no more tubs of sorbet and hours on the sofa – when one is surrounded by browned, lithe yogis or surfers, it’s hard not to automatically feel doughy and slow. Perhaps this is why I have mysterious shoulder pain – is my body saying hey you are not one of these extremely healthy individuals, don’t you remember you are the stressed, hunched over the desk, anxious and meandering around on sore joints person? 

However, this pain is not quite so mysterious really. I know have have an old instability around my hyper mobile joints, that years of lacrosse and desk working have moulded into an extremely easy to upset shoulder and neck. A week into surfing, a turtle roll where I was holding on perhaps too close to the middle of the board resulted in an all mighty yank on the offending area, and a week later, here I am still grumbling. 

If I can’t surf… it leaves me unsettled, as a big part of coming here was to work on my surfing but more than that, to have surfing as a salve. A surf a day is so utterly exhausting, but also wonderful, that it really removes the need to be socialising and finding other activities. Whereas if I am not surfing, I feel more of an obligation to be meeting people and make the most of my time here – hibernating in your room feels less of power move when you have not done much else.

Interesting that my thoughts have immediately gone very much to how I am feeling and my internal world, and not much of the experiences and people I have encountered so far in my 2 weeks. There have been sunset surfs with new friends, a much welcomed invitation to a kirtan singing circle, long lazy breakfasts, beautiful yoga shalas, live music and local markets. There have been many wonderful people, some I am less sure of and some who have made me really think. There have been power cuts, rising prices everywhere, strong anti vax sentiments and islamophobia. Days where I think I am made to live in the tropics, and others where it’s 9am, I am drenched in sweat and know I have no hope of AC or fans for hours to go. 

I feel the absence of my partner, left in London for these 2 months, through moments of the day both good and bad. I see a cute dog, I think of him, I eat something tasty, I want to share it with him. I am scratching my mosquito bites, I think of how he would help me be strict not to. I feel flustered and overheated, I note how my thoughts go to asking him to just help me get sorted with this or carry something or… something… to alleviate the moment. But alas, I am here alone and for the first time in so very long, am fully accountable moment to moment for myself and cannot outsource resolving my frustrations or go looking for his soothing balm at every turn.  

To be able to travel across the world, change up the same stale patterns of the previous years and surround myself with nature and new experiences is an unbelievable privilege. I hope to rest assured that my mind will be the better for it and that I can mirror back the positivity and calmness I hope to build to my loved ones. 

Overall I feel oh so grateful and can’t quite believe my luck that I am here, despite everything going on in the world. It’s hard to process this new reality. Travelling is going to be my new normal now till at least May 2023 so I assume at some point I will begin to feel less incredulous!